


The Epiphany

by niqaeli



Category: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, trans women in Hollywood, transmisia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:41:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27158774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niqaeli/pseuds/niqaeli
Summary: Matthew Albie has an epiphany.Or: men's bodies have always made Matty uncomfortable. Turns out there's a lot more nuance to that fact than Harriet would have had it.
Relationships: Matt Albie & Danny Tripp, Matt Albie & Jeannie Whatley, Matt Albie & Jordan McDeere, Matt Albie/Danny Tripp, Matt Albie/Danny Tripp/Jordan McDeere, Matt Albie/Harriet Hayes, Matt Albie/Jordan McDeere
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	The Epiphany

**Author's Note:**

> This is not exactly complete, but I also don't think I'm going to finish writing the rest of it and I feel like what I've got here parses well enough as a story unto itself.
> 
> So, uh, here we go, have an utterly niche story in an old, relatively obscure fandom! *flings at AO3 in dim hope someone, anyone not on their DW draft filter will have some vague interest in this!*
> 
> Set circa late 2012, I think.

Matt shows up on her doorstep, looking a little wild-eyed and a lot freaked out. "Jeannie, I need you to do something for me, but first I need you to promise not to make fun of me until _after_ you're done," he says, when she lets him in.

"…I can't make that promise until you tell me what you want me to do," she says, after a moment.

"I—okay, fine, but I want to be 100% clear I am actually serious about this, and I really need you to not laugh right now at me."

Jeannie just lifts an immaculately shaped eyebrow at him.

"Right, okay, yes, so. I need you to make me up as a woman. Like—not like a drag queen, but pretty, the sort of thing someone would wear for their wedding. Not, not that drag queens don't get married, I'm sure they do, some of them probably get married IN drag—"

"Matt, breathe," Jeannie interrupts him, because he only tangents quite this badly when he's very anxious and his breathing is pretty rapid.

"I am! You have to breathe to speak; I'm speaking, therefore I am breathing."

"Nope, I want you to take a deep breath from the diaphragm," she says, ignoring him, and counts to four slowly. "Now exhale," and she makes him exhale just as slowly. "Better? Less panicky?"

"…it's a little creepy how well you know me, okay, I'm just saying."

"Anyway, yes, I will do that for you and unless this is some kind of stupid bet, I won't even make fun of you at all for it," she says magnaminously, and gestures for him to sit down.

It takes about half an hour because he'd asked to be made up as a pretty woman, which means breaking out her contouring kit and doing a fair bit of work. The weirdest fucking thing is he just sits there, quietly, the whole time. It might be the longest silence she has ever heard from Matt that didn't involve him being asleep.

She leaves the rest of the makeup pretty minimal with enough eye makeup to make him not look sunken but she gives him a really strong lipstick, a dark red shading into purple.

She hands him a tissue and rolls her eyes when he stares at it incomprehension. "For blotting the excess lipstick, dumbass, unless you want to leave lip prints on everything you put near your mouth for the next hour."

"Oh! Right, uh… Right." He at least doesn't have to be told how to do that, and then just sits there, silently. "Did you want to see the results?" she asks, half-irritated, half-baffled. "I don't actually have a full size hand mirror, Matt, you're going to have to use the bathroom if you do."

He gets up and walks into the bathroom and immediately starts swearing loudly enough for Jeannie to hear it. "Shit, shit, shit, shit, _shit_ ," he's still chanting when she walks in. 

"I think I'm gay," he blurts out.

Jeannie stares at him and tries work out what the hell he's talking about. "What? Do I—Do I _want_ to know what the hell is going through your head, Matty?"

"I'm—I'm not a man. Which means I'm not straight, right? I'm gay, I'm a lesbian."

"Okay," she says. Matt won't be the first trans woman she's known or even the fifteenth. It's a little weird that it's literally never come up before now and she had never picked up on it before, but really what's weirdest is Matt's focusing on the lesbian thing right now. Maybe he—she?—is shunting panic about gender identity over into sexual identity. "Well, first off, it's possible to not be a man and also not be a woman, I feel like I need to point out. Like, we can talk about that later, but I want to note that. Second, sure, if you're a woman and attracted primarily to women and you _want_ to call yourself gay or a lesbian. You don't actually have to, though. There aren't actually homosexual police, you know."

"Would they arrest people for being straight or would their jurisdiction be 'you're doing homosexuality wrong' offenses?" Matt wonders, and his breathing has not slowed down any, even with a tangent to focus on.

"Okay, nope, breathing again," Jeannie says, and walks him—her? dammit, she needs to ask Matt about pronouns when it won't set off a panic attack—through several more breaths.

Once Matt is no longer in danger of keeling over she asks, gently, "Right, so, what prompted this?"

"I—right, I don't even remember why, I'd fallen down a research hole, but I ended up reading an interview and then I fell down a _new_ research hole. And I kind of felt like someone had taken an axe to my head, and, and then I thought I should test it, and then as soon as I saw myself—and it felt _right_ , I looked _right_ , I didn't know that you could feel like that about yourself, and, and —"

"Oh, honey," she says, and steps up to hug Matt. "I'm happy you got to have that and that I got to give you that moment, and I'm so sorry it's such a huge, scary thing to grapple with."

She holds Matt through shaking that she thinks is probably crying so she's a little surprised when it stops, and she lets go, that she sees no tear tracks on Matt's face.

"So, a couple serious questions, a couple not-so-serious-but-I-mean-it," she says. "First up, serious: do you want me to call you something else? Do you want she pronouns? You don't have to decide now, I'm just asking, think about it and let me know. The other serious question is, do you want to tell anyone else?"

"I—I don't _want_ to tell anyone," Matt says. "But I can't—I can't go back. You'll teach me, right? How to do this?" and the pleading, desperate look breaks Jeannie's heart.

"Of course I will, Matty," she says.

"So, not-so-serious, can I make out with you at a wrap party after you break up with Harriet? It'll be fun and funny." It's unkind, but no one has ever accused Jeannie of being nice, and Harriet trying to work out how she feels about that will be goddamn hilarious.

Matt blinks at her. "Why would I break up with—oh, god, _Harriet_ ," Matt says, the penny clearly dropping. "She's going to take this badly, isn't she."

Jeannie shrugs. "Probably? And you should break up with her because if you _don't_ , it's going to be a slow-motion trainwreck of her trying _really hard_ to be supportive, awkwardly and badly, while figuring her own shit out and having a lot of feelings _about_ you _at_ you, and like—normally I'd be there with popcorn for a trainwreck but jesus, Matt, I _like_ you, don't do that to yourself. I mean, it's possible she'll discover new vistas of bisexuality and come to terms with the idea of having a relationship with a woman or non-binary person but if you're going to transition socially, you do _not_ need the added stress of her figuring her shit out while you're theoretically still in a relationship with each other."

"Fuck," Matt says. "You make a compelling argument."

"I am brilliant, yes," Jeannie said. "Can I take you shopping after that conversation? Retail therapy is good for the soul, we can find you some nice clothes and get your makeup kit started."

"Uh, sure I guess?" Matt said, looking kind of distant. "I—probably need to talk to Danny first."

"Call me after," she says. "If he's a moron about this, I will personally end him, you know that right?"

"You… do remember he's your boss, right?"

"So?" she says.

* * *

"Huh," Danny says.

"That's—that's all you have to say?" Matt asks, incredulous.

"…yeah? I mean, this is the first time you've ever told me something big and personal that I hadn't already figured out? It's kind of surprising."

"Right, okay, well this has been fucking terrifying, so thanks for that," Matt says, rubbing at her eyes. She looks down at the smear of eyeliner on her hands and sighs. Apparently she's going to have to learn how to wear makeup and not fuck it up.

"I mean, you're Matt. What you look like, what gender you are, that doesn't matter to me. You're my—you're my Matt. You write, I produce, we're amazing together. If you're worried about the industry, hell, Lana's been out in the industry for years now. Anyone who makes an issue out of it is an asshole we shouldn't have been dealing with anyway."

Matt looked up, felt her lips twisting into an ugly smile. She'd like to be light and wry, but she can't actually manage it. "How long is Harriet's contract for, again?" she asks, quietly. She's never paid attention to that shit, that's what Danny's _for_.

"...another year," Danny says slowly, and looks at her sharply. "Did she say something to you!? Is that what made you think I would care, Matt? I am going to _kill her_ ," he grits out, starting to storm out.

"Not yet," Matt says, quietly, grabbing Danny's wrist before he can get far. "But she's next. I might… need to cry on you, after, though. Jeannie's maybe taking me shopping? Something about retail therapy post-breakup, I don't get it, but it made her happy to promise it. But I don't know if I'll want to."

" _You're_ breaking up with her?" Danny asks, astonished.

"Yeah," Matt says. She really doesn't want to explain why, she doesn't think Danny will really get it.

"I, uh, wow. Okay. My shoulder is yours?" Danny says, uncertainly.

"Thanks," she says, and means it. "Do you think Jordan has makeup remover in her office? I don't want to go down into makeup right now."

Danny has no idea, because of course he doesn't. It turns out she does, though. Jordan doesn't even ask why Matt's in femme makeup, to her relief. She does not really want to go through any of this again for someone she doesn't have to.

* * *

"Is this a _joke_?" Harriet demands. "Because this is not fucking funny, Matthew!"

Matt sighs.

"Real people deal with these issues, actual real people," she goes on. "You _know_ some of those people, you've had some of them _on the show_."

"It's not a fucking joke," Matt says. "I'm not fucking joking because I am not that much of an asshole, and I'm genuinely a little upset you think I am." Like, it's got a lot of competition for 'things upsetting Matt at the moment,' but that's going to rank at some point. "I'm a woman. I'm not—it's not like I knew, I spent my whole life thinking that everyone feels kind of disconnected from their body, feels like it doesn't feel like anything, because that was normal for me and it didn't hurt the way everyone talks about dysphoria and no one ever said 'hey, it's possible to feel amazingly _right_ about your body.' I didn't _know_ , okay, and now I do, and now I'm telling you because you deserve to know."

"…oh," Harriet says, in a really small voice, as she realises her head of self-righteous steam on behalf of trans people in Hollywood was entirely mis-directed.

"Yeah," Matt says.

"Are you…" Harriet trails off.

"Am I… what?" Matt asks, because there are fifty million things Harriet could be asking, and she isn't psychic enough to have any idea which.

"I don't know!" she says. "Okay, maybe? Are you okay?"

Matt shrugs. "I will be." Her world has been turned upside down but she knows she'll be okay in the end because she still has Danny, the one person she can't imagine trying to live without.

"Have you told anyone else?" Harriet asks. Matt wonders if she's going to ask Matt to keep it to herself, shove herself into the closet for Harriet's sake. Maybe that's not fair to Harriet, but she's not feeling very fair right now.

Matt shrugs again. "Jeannie, and Danny," she says. Harriet can be pissed about that, if she wants.

"You told _Jeannie_ before you told me?" Harriet demands, affronted. "Why would you tell her first?"

"You are demonstrating why," Matt says, suddenly tired. "Harriet, I love you, okay, but I cannot deal with your feelings right now. I've got—I'm going to have a lot to deal with, I can't deal with _you_ being one of the things I have to deal with."

Harriet stares at him, wide-eyed. "What?"

"I'm breaking up with you," Matt says. "For my sanity. And yours."

Matt had thought Harriet would yell but instead she starts crying softly. "Do—do you really think I wouldn't support you, Matt? Have I really been that bad at showing how I feel about trans and gay people? Is that why you told Jeannie before me?"

"Have you ever slept with a woman?" Matt asks, ignoring the questions because honestly they don't even matter.

"What? No, I—why would you _ask_ me that?" Harriet says, genuinely confused. Matt scrubs at her face before remembering she's going to need to shake that habit. Well, she's not wearing makeup right now anyway, after taking off the mess she'd made of it in Jordan's office.

Harriet clearly hasn't connected Matt-she's-sleeping-with to Matt-she's-just-learned-is-trans.

"Harry, _I'm_ a woman. I don't—I don't know if I want surgery or whatever, but I'm not going to live in a closet. And I really can't deal with you figuring out how you feel about that, okay? I just can't."

Harriet stares at Matt, wiping away her tears. Matt really wants to hug her and kiss them away, which is extremely unhelpful. She leans in to hug one arm around Harriet, anyway. "I love you, Harry, okay. And I know you'll have my back, when people get shitty. It'll just be easier for us both if you're not trying to do that when you're also figuring out how you feel about me," she says, before letting go.

Shopping actually sounds pretty good, surprisingly, so she calls Jeannie.

* * *

Jordan looks re-made-up Matt up and down consideringly and turns to Danny. "Can I get a Matt exception too? I mean, I never saw the appeal before now, but _damn_."

Matt tilts her head questioningly, because there is no context in which that comment makes any sense.

Danny sighs and pinches his nose. "I—sure, fine, why not."

"A Matt exception to _what_ ," Matt demands, when it seems clear neither of them are going to elucidate otherwise.

"Monogamy," Jordan says, cheerfully. "We're _mostly_ monogamous. But Danny has a standing exception for you, said it probably wouldn't come up, depending, but that it wasn't particularly up for negotiation."

Matt opens her mouth, and shuts it, realising she has no idea what the hell to say to that.

"Oh!" Jordan says. "Do you want to tell Jack yourself? Because his face is going to be _priceless_ , but you shouldn't feel like you have to tell anyone you don't want to or that it'll be an issue. Danny and I can handle everyone, if you want."

Matt pauses to picture Jack Rudolph on hearing the news his least favourite problem children were going to be an actual genuine news item of salacious interest, and bursts out laughing. "Yes, I definitely want to tell him," Matt says, delighted. "Not right now, though."

"Of course," Jordan says, and starts serving up soup from a giant pot on the stove before calling Madeline down for dinner. Madeline looks at Matt consideringly. "Mom and Dad said you might change your name, but that I also had to ask if I can call you Auntie now. Can I?"

"Sure," Matt says. "Auntie is good," and maybe it's telling that this feels a lot more like home than her apartment ever has.

* * *

"How serious were you and Jordan about that exception thing?" Matt asks, a month or so later, because she can't concentrate on a damned thing, and Danny is sitting there being really distressingly handsome and distracting, glasses on his nose as he reads whatever the hell he's reading on his phone.

Danny glances up, over his glasses. "As a heart attack," he says. "If you ever _wanted_ to sleep with me again, I wasn't going to be in a position where I had to tell you no."

"Huh," she says. "So—Jordan… ? Bi? Just weirdly into tall, awkward women?"

Danny shrugs. "Ask her yourself? I've never bothered to, it's not like it matters to me. I know she has an ex-girlfriend she's still on good terms with," he offers. "No idea how tall she is, though."

It's not like they ever were really a thing and Danny's the only man she'd ever slept with before but they'd slept together occasionally, usually when Matt felt like shit and nothing else would get her out of her own head. Matt feels incredibly fond and warm knowing Danny'd carved out an exception just to protect that.

She does ask Jordan, the next she sees her. Jordan laughs. "I mean, sure, I guess I'm bisexual. I'm not that big on labels."

"Weirdly into tall, awkward women, though?" Matt asks.

"You're not awkward, Matt," she says, briskly. "But yes, okay, I will cop to having a thing for tall women."

"I am definitely awkward," Matt says, because she has at least the self-awareness of a _turnip_.

"No, Matt," Jordan says patiently. " _Awkward_ was my ex getting into RPF for one of the shows on my slate because she didn't, actually, have any idea what the hell my job was."

Matt blinks. "RPF?" It sounds vaguely familiar, but she can't remember what it means.

"Oh, Matt," Jordan says, her tone pitying. "Real person fiction, ie, the internet proving Avenue Q correct: the internet is for porn."

"Oh, this is the thing Tom had a freakout over awhile back, isn't it," Matt says. "Right. That—okay, but _how_ did your ex not know?" she asks, because that is the most baffling part. "Did she not know you _worked_ for a network?"

Jordan munches a carrot meditatively. "I mean, I'm pretty sure I did mention it a few times, but it actually didn't come up in detail much. You are merely bad at people, Matt. There are whole realms of awkward you can't even imagine."

"I… will take your word for it," Matt says, wincing.

* * *

"Do you just enjoy making my life hell, Albie?" Jack asks, pinching his nose.

Matt waggles her hand. "Honestly, yeah, a little. I mean, it's not why I'm doing this, but it's a nice bonus."

Jack turns around, and pours himself a glass of whiskey. "Right. Timeline? You doing a piece in a paper or… ?"

"Nah," Matt says. "Just… gonna be me."

"Word's still gonna spread," Jack points out.

"Well, yeah," Matt says, "Gonna be hard to miss at the next awards show I turn up for. I'm not a face everyone knows but people know my name, who I am."

"Do me one damn favour, and warn me when that is," Jack says, drinking.

"Oh, Jack! Of course I will, I mean, I thought I'd ask you to help me pick out my dress!" Matt says, faux-sincere, clutching her hands to her chest.

Jack doesn't actually spit out his whiskey, but he does choke and sputter. "Get the fuck out of here, Albie," he says, almost fondly. "We'll deal with it."

"Thanks," Matt says and actually, to her surprise, means it.

* * *

_two months later:_

"Matt," Danny says. "Matty, it's going to be okay." He comes around behind her, pulls her into a hug.

Matt just shakes her head. It won't be, is the problem.

She's lucky. She's so goddamned lucky, her network has her back, her partner has her back, her writing room and crew have her back, she has so many resources. She probably won't get murdered in a back alley. Probably. 

It's not the fact that Fox News is calling her perverted, weak, sick; claiming she's brainwashing a generation. They've been doing that forever, what's a new note in the same old song.

It's the fact that they're stirring a pot that gets trans women killed every damned day, and Matt can't stop _that_. Her character being assassinated doesn't matter; character can be un-assassinated, in this town. Dead women can't be un-killed.

 _She_ wins an award and _other women_ get put at risk.

* * *

_nine months later:_

"You were right," Harriet says, and Matt stares, baffled. "About breaking up," she adds. "I was really mad about it at the time, but you were right."

"Sorry, I think I'm going to need you to put that in writing. 'Harriet Hayes admits Matt Albie was right about something'," she says, gesturing widely. "I'm going to take out a _full-page ad_."

Harriet smiles, wryly. "Yes, well, even a stopped clock is occasionally right. I did need to work through shit for myself and you were right that you didn't need to deal with me doing that and I probably would have had a much harder time sorting through stuff if you hadn't broken it off with me anyway."

"…good?" Matt hazards, baffled.

"I have an interview with The Hollywood Reporter coming out in a couple days about the new movie," Harriet says, in a complete non-sequiter.

"Good for you?" she says. "That seems like something you would normally tell Danny, not me, I don't do any of the press crap or scheduling."

"I came out in it," Harriet says, and oh. Maybe it wasn't a non-sequiter after all.

"Wow," Matt says. "Uh—congratulations? Condolences on the shit-storm that's going to go down?"

Harriety laughs, a little wildly. It's understandable. No one at Studio 60 will give a shit, but a good chunk of her fanbase are probably going to lose their goddamned minds.

"And I think you're beautiful, and I never stopped loving you, but I fell in love even more watching you handle the publicity because I saw you showing the best parts of you to the whole world," Harriet says, a little rushed. "And I don't know if that matters, but if, if you still love me, I—can we try again?"

"Uh," Matt says, blankly. "Maybe?"

"Maybe?" Harriet asks.

"I, I mean, I would be willing to try again, but I have three partners right now and I'd be willing to break it off with one of them—well, stop sleeping with her, anyway—but not the other two, so…" Matt trails off. "You'd have to be okay with that."

Harriet blinks, several times. "I— _who_?"

"Nope," Matt says firmly. "I will not disclose who my partners are unless and until it's actually relevant and at that point it'll be in private," she adds, pointedly, gesturing at the not very small audience they have acquired of "most of the cast and crew".

Simon leans over and elbows Jeannie. "Pay up," he says, smirking.

"You said _six_ months!" Jeannie says, grouchily.

"Same difference and you know it," Simon insists. 

"Ugh, yes, fine," Jeannie says.

Harriet rounds on them. " _What were you betting on_?"

Jeannie shrugs. "Simon said it'd be six months and you'd have gotten your shit together and would get back together with Matt. Even if you were up for being with a woman, I really hadn't thought you would be, y'know, willing to deal with all the shit of being with a woman _publicly_."

"You—" Harriet stumbles. "I don't even know who to be maddest at."

Jeannie shrugs again. "May as well be me. Simon ~believed~ in you. Anyway, some free advice from the same source as the break-up advice that you admit was the right choice: don't try to decide that shit right now. It's been nearly a year, another week or three won't matter."

"Oh my god, you're sleeping with Danny and Jordan," Harriet says suddenly, looking stunned as she turns back to Matt. "Who _else_ would you be with that you wouldn't break it off? But I thought you were lesbian!"

Matt facepalms. Her makeup doesn't budge, because she has a really good setting spray these days.

"Danny has always been an exception to my sexuality," she says. Danny and Jordan have never actually bothered to be particularly secretive, Matt just hadn't really wanted to get into this in front of the whole damned studio. She's not sure why she thought that would be possible, everything in this incestuous nut factory blows up in front of everyone else but she'd had the thought it'd be nice if it didn't, for once. "Hey, hands up, is there anyone here besides Harriet who is surprised by that?"

No hands go up, which Matt chooses to take as victory and not just sensible caution in the face of Matt and Harriet's admittedly often explosive interactions.

Harriet stares some more. "But, but you! Have always been uncomfortable with men's bodies! And you never said anything!"

"People are complicated? Also, it turns out, when you're not repressing an entire gender identity and disconnection with your own body, you get less weird about other men's bodies," Matt says, drily. "Danny never counted, though. It just didn't come up that often, and I didn't really see a point in dredging up history that would just make you uncomfortable."

"I wouldn't have been uncomfortable," Harriet protests, and Matt stares back.

"Harriet, he's my goddamned partner," Matt points out. "I am _pretty sure_ there is no configuration of genders that would've made that history comfortable for you."

"Aughhh," Harriet cries. "I don't know _why_ I thought this conversation wouldn't go completely off the rails!" she yells as she stomps away. Simon casts a glance back at Matt before dragging Tom off to go after her.

Matt mentally reviews most of their relationship and conversations over the years. There really was _no reason_ Harriet should have expected that to go smoothly.


End file.
